Hold Me Closer Taud Dancing

As most music critics will confirm, Elton John's ball-rocking smash hit "Tiny Dancer" was originally crafted as a confession of love to his good friend Taud Dancing. Taud, however, being the uber heterosexual that he is, respectfully rebuffed Sir Elton's advances. Eventually, singing the song became too painful for Mr. John, so he had Bernie Taupin rearrange the lyrics to the more familiar "Tiny Dancer" that we all know today. Below is an excerpt from the original song:

"Tuxedo fellow, soft lips of Jell-O, inspiration for the band
Laser eyed, angel smile, why won't you try it with a man
At the gym, you should have seen him in those tight pants
I want you in me, always in me, Taud Dancing in my hands

And now it feels so near
You standing just over my rear
Just as you turn and walk away
I reach out and you hear me say

Hold me closer Taud Dancing
Take a chance down my Hershey Highway
Lay me down on your egg crate mattress
We're going to have a busy day today!!"

Thank You Taud

The year was 1975 and I was addicted to pornography. I had a stack of Playboys the size of a small child and I would read them constantly whilst pounding it with great tenacity. Pornography was ruining my life. I spent many weekends in a porno rehab therapy group, but nothing worked. As soon as I would get home, it was back to the magazines and hours of ferocious spanking.

One night, after a particularly draining whack session, I decided to take a walk. While meandering down the street, I came upon the most handsome man I had ever seen. Seeing that I was troubled, the man said to me, "Son, what is it that makes you look so sad?" I began explaining to him my porn infirmity but he quickly stopped me. William, he said, "You cannot run from pornography. It is too powerful. Instead, my friend, you must harness the smut and find a way to use it to your advantage."

I glanced up and saw a beacon of light shine down upon me and when I looked back at Taud he was gone. It was then that the idea of computers shot into my mind. If I could create a way for everyone to enjoy visual intercourse as much as I do, I could make a fortune and enhance my own spanking in the process. From that day forward, I spent all day writing computer software and excitedly pulling on my pud. I was a man on a mission. Thirty-four years later, I am the richest man in America and still yanking my weiner three times a day. Thank you Taud Dancing!!

-Bill Gates

How I met Taud

It is hard to say when I met Taud because I can't really remember my life before him. Most of my life BT (Before Taud) is now a hazy blur that seems insignificant and meaningless. I can say for sure that when I first met Taud he was working as a waiter at the Texas Roadhouse.

In all likelihood, Taud was the greatest waiter ever known to man. An iced tea glass was never left unfilled at one of Taud's tables. I remember one time in particular when I felt my steak was slightly undercooked, Taud came to my table showed me that it was actually me who was undercooked and that the steak was cooked to perfection.

Taud and I became fast friends. Taud is the kind of friend that could easily sleep with my girlfriend if he wanted to, but I know he never would. Mostly this is because my girlfriend is a pear shaped hag who Taud would never consider touching with his perfect hands.

Superficially, Taud is quite a sight to behold. He is about six feet tall but he is somehow always the tallest person in the room. He has never been in a gym in his life but I know for a fact he can bench press 750lbs. Taud's eyes are a color that has yet to be defined and I can say with a 93% record of heterosexuality, that one look from him will melt your soul like a grilled cheese sandwich.

For those of you who are too unlucky to have ever met Taud, I have started this website as a way to relay some of the stories that make Taud the man I feel blessed to know and love. Today's story is about the day Taud and I celebrated his new job.

Shortly after Taud left the Texas Roadhouse, he landed a job as a used car salesman. Taud quickly became the lot's top salesman. He was so good that the dealership could not supply enough cars to keep up with Taud's sales pace. In fact, only two weeks into Taud's new job, the only car left on the lot was a yellow English taxi cab from the early 1970s. To celebrate Taud's new found success, he and I decided to go camping in the woods. We didn't need to bring any supplies because Taud was trained in outdoor survival by Bear Grylls' step-uncle.

After setting up our tent using a no. 2 pencil and a broken canoe, we heard a great roar coming from the woods. Soon I saw a sight I will never forget. A 12 foot bear appeared from behind a tree, and he was pissed off. Knowing I was scared, Taud turned to me and said, "Don't worry friend, go roast some marshmallows and I will take care of the bear."

Trusting Taud, I headed back to the tent and Taud began walking towards the bear. I would like to say that Taud fought the bear and defeated the beast with his superior strength. In fact though, Taud never laid a hand on the grizzly. I couldn't make out exactly what was happening between the two, but when Taud returned he told me that the bear would not bother us ever again... and that he had sold the English taxi cab for $35,000.