Hold Me Closer Taud Dancing

As most music critics will confirm, Elton John's ball-rocking smash hit "Tiny Dancer" was originally crafted as a confession of love to his good friend Taud Dancing. Taud, however, being the uber heterosexual that he is, respectfully rebuffed Sir Elton's advances. Eventually, singing the song became too painful for Mr. John, so he had Bernie Taupin rearrange the lyrics to the more familiar "Tiny Dancer" that we all know today. Below is an excerpt from the original song:

"Tuxedo fellow, soft lips of Jell-O, inspiration for the band
Laser eyed, angel smile, why won't you try it with a man
At the gym, you should have seen him in those tight pants
I want you in me, always in me, Taud Dancing in my hands

And now it feels so near
You standing just over my rear
Just as you turn and walk away
I reach out and you hear me say

Hold me closer Taud Dancing
Take a chance down my Hershey Highway
Lay me down on your egg crate mattress
We're going to have a busy day today!!"

Thank You Taud

The year was 1975 and I was addicted to pornography. I had a stack of Playboys the size of a small child and I would read them constantly whilst pounding it with great tenacity. Pornography was ruining my life. I spent many weekends in a porno rehab therapy group, but nothing worked. As soon as I would get home, it was back to the magazines and hours of ferocious spanking.

One night, after a particularly draining whack session, I decided to take a walk. While meandering down the street, I came upon the most handsome man I had ever seen. Seeing that I was troubled, the man said to me, "Son, what is it that makes you look so sad?" I began explaining to him my porn infirmity but he quickly stopped me. William, he said, "You cannot run from pornography. It is too powerful. Instead, my friend, you must harness the smut and find a way to use it to your advantage."

I glanced up and saw a beacon of light shine down upon me and when I looked back at Taud he was gone. It was then that the idea of computers shot into my mind. If I could create a way for everyone to enjoy visual intercourse as much as I do, I could make a fortune and enhance my own spanking in the process. From that day forward, I spent all day writing computer software and excitedly pulling on my pud. I was a man on a mission. Thirty-four years later, I am the richest man in America and still yanking my weiner three times a day. Thank you Taud Dancing!!

-Bill Gates