In all likelihood, Taud was the greatest waiter ever known to man. An iced tea glass was never left unfilled at one of Taud's tables. I remember one time in particular when I felt my steak was slightly undercooked, Taud came to my table showed me that it was actually me who was undercooked and that the steak was cooked to perfection.
Taud and I became fast friends. Taud is the kind of friend that could easily sleep with my girlfriend if he wanted to, but I know he never would. Mostly this is because my girlfriend is a pear shaped hag who Taud would never consider touching with his perfect hands.
Superficially, Taud is quite a sight to behold. He is about six feet tall but he is somehow always the tallest person in the room. He has never been in a gym in his life but I know for a fact he can bench press 750lbs. Taud's eyes are a color that has yet to be defined and I can say with a 93% record of heterosexuality, that one look from him will melt your soul like a grilled cheese sandwich.
For those of you who are too unlucky to have ever met Taud, I have started this website as a way to relay some of the stories that make Taud the man I feel blessed to know and love. Today's story is about the day Taud and I celebrated his new job.
Shortly after Taud left the Texas Roadhouse, he landed a job as a used car salesman. Taud quickly became the lot's top salesman. He was so good that the dealership could not supply enough cars to keep up with Taud's sales pace. In fact, only two weeks into Taud's new job, the only car left on the lot was a yellow English taxi cab from the early 1970s. To celebrate Taud's new found success, he and I decided to go camping in the woods. We didn't need to bring any supplies because Taud was trained in outdoor survival by Bear Grylls' step-uncle.
After setting up our tent using a no. 2 pencil and a broken canoe, we heard a great roar coming from the woods. Soon I saw a sight I will never forget. A 12 foot bear appeared from behind a tree, and he was pissed off. Knowing I was scared, Taud turned to me and said, "Don't worry friend, go roast some marshmallows and I will take care of the bear."
Trusting Taud, I headed back to the tent and Taud began walking towards the bear. I would like to say that Taud fought the bear and defeated the beast with his superior strength. In fact though, Taud never laid a hand on the grizzly. I couldn't make out exactly what was happening between the two, but when Taud returned he told me that the bear would not bother us ever again... and that he had sold the English taxi cab for $35,000.
2 comments:
Thank you for making this blog, because without it I don’t think I can really express how much of an impact Taud has made on my life.
I met Taud threw my buddy Skinny Nick. Nick and I were going to a very heterosexuality Brunch together after a long night of just sitting up talking. During our time talking Nick told me story after story of this half man half amazing guy named Taud Dancing. On our way to the restaurant we passed by Tauds car dealership and Nick asked me if I would like to stop in just to say hello. I had herd so much about this Taud guy that I couldn’t even think of not stopping in. Needless to say, he exceeded everything I had in my mind about him. From the amazing color of his eyes to the grip of his handshake, Taud just smelt like success!
By the time I was done meeting Taud that day I almost bought the car dealership from him! The only reason I didn’t was because Taud convinced me not to.
Its now been 2 years since I met Taud and I cant even relay just how much my life has changed since the that day at the dealership. Someone once said to me “Chuck Noris is the greatest man on the face of the Earth, and no one stands above him”. The only thing I could think to reply with was “You obviously haven’t met my buddy Taud”.
I personally have never had the great pleasure of meeting Taud. The one time I was supposed to meet him he had to cancel so he could stop a huge volcano from erupting in the Phillipines. What volcano eruption you ask? Exactly! There wasn't one Taud stopped it. Even though he couldn't make it in person, he still was nice enough to visit me in my dreams. That is why I, Justin Bartholomew, sleep so much. Some people call me lazy but if they had the dreams I have with Taud you would want to sleep forever. One day I will meet Taud in person and I am sure we will go out and have a few drinks, even though Taud has never gotten drunk. Even after he was once seen doing 10 shots of patron followed by 20 Irish car bombs and he was still able to win the New York Marathon the next day in 26 minutes. Yes people that is an average of 1 mile every minute. O jeez just listen to me ramble on about a man I have never met, but want to be so bad. Well Taud if your out there reading this, I cant wait to meet you and you have made my life so much better than anyone ever could. I LOVE YOU!
Post a Comment